宽乍正好，但嫌稍长，拿到相熟干洗店里修改。 店主是一对老夫妇，香港人，大概在我出生前就已来了纽约，靠一片小店谋生，现今儿女各自成家立业，两老早可退休却依然守着，想也是些许寄托吧。

女主人正在对着送来干洗的一件婚纱皱眉头，见我进门，忙不及招我过去看，说，“信不信有这麽难看的婚纱？腰上居然系黑色瑚蝶结。”我看着也较怪诞，然人各有好，不便作评，笑笑不语。

“你的婚纱是我见过最靓。旗袍亦是。我一直以为你是搞设计的。还有呀，你是婚纱干洗装盒后拿走的最快的。你知不知道有些人一放一年，打极电话都不拿。。。” 老人家把每回见到我必说的话又重复一遍。

常半玩笑说是看到婚纱后才下定决心结婚的，订婚钻戒不作数。当时新娘杂志上泛滥着裸肩露臂的直筒或A字型现代简约主义婚纱，总不合意。寻觅多时后对一款古色古香的宫廷式设计倾心，奶油白，船型领口开至肩部，蕾丝袖子由乍而宽成菏叶状，束腰蓬裙，把人带回到几个世纪前的奢靡。 站在中央公园古老餐厅里的水晶吊灯下，波斯湾红地毯上，接受着每一位客人的赞美和祝福，我知道我的婚纱是完美的。Flo 在婚礼很久后还念念不忘，“整个婚礼中，我老想着一部电影 - 茜茜公主。”

自干洗店里回来，收到敏的婚贴，酒红色烫金的请贴沉甸甸的，连邮票都是专门定做，梅花设计并印有两家姓氏，不由叫好。 虽说婚礼只是形式，丰俭由人，隆重的婚礼不保证两人白头偕老，旅行结婚牵手一生的大有人在，还是喜欢计划周全，面面俱到的礼节。 最理想的是交往一年，太短嫌草率，太长则梦多，然后定婚，一年后举行婚礼。一年时间筹划婚礼，考验两人的能力，耐性，磨练相互间的妥协和包容。如果准新郎没被诸多鸡毛蒜皮的细节烦死，或准新娘没在受不了压力后三番五次除下订婚戒，两人才有望在婚礼当天接受亲友们的祝福，然后继续受炼。

除了组织捐款和请愿红十字会外，我不知道我还能做什麽. 逝者已矣，生者不过尽人事而已。我是这麽地渴望阳光，风雨后的阳光。 阳光下的悲剧显得温柔些，阳光下的我会笑得灿烂些。我想念处女群岛如绸的白沙，彩色的鱼群， 想念地中海无声的柔情，不渝的浪漫。

去年到云南某小城时，已是六月底，一下火车，便见路边卖杨梅的三几摊子，一颗颗硕大熟透红得发黑，未入口已知其酸甜美味。捧着一别十五年的果子，欣喜恐要比重逢经年未见的初恋情人多些。一路吃一路走到旅馆，才觉得有些怪，六月底怎麽会有杨梅，不会是想得太多后的幻觉吧。再想想可能是云南气候自成一格，水果成熟季节也不同于江南闽南岭南等地，益发珍惜这段机缘。

晶打算五月中回中国，坐在一家古巴小饭馆里，伊牢骚不少。两个月前才经受种种烦琐手续入了美籍拿了护照，如今办中国签证又连连受气。只给一次往返一月期限，还要做背景调查，还要中国亲友的邀请信做担保，费用吓人。

“背景调查？” 我不解，智利的红酒显然无助于分析复杂的政治问题。

“怕我们是藏独分子呢。”伊无奈。

我一口酒哽在喉里，半晌无言，胸口隐隐作疼。美籍华人时不时被扣上中国间谍的罪名，还可以喊喊冤，官司一路打到高级法院出一口闷气，讨一声公道。被母国怀疑是藏独分子的委屈如何从何说起？

一个政权如果治国有方，用人得法，理财有道，何至于千千万万子民飘洋过海，唯异国鼻息是仰？ 我们既来之，则安之，抛却对故土的牵挂， 割断对亲情的不舍，把在陌生的国度默默飘泊着挣扎着的孤独和痛楚埋葬在时间的残酷里。很多人在很久前便可以入籍却宁愿拿着绿卡跑遍纽约欧洲各国领事馆办签证，只为一份对生我养我的国度的依恋。入美国籍是一个无奈的抉择，但我们明白多年后发展中白热化的中国已变得很陌生，人人向钱看的价值观更是不敢不愿苟同，于是退而求其次，决定归附养我教我的国家。又如果中美外交如欧美关系，持双重护照不应是件难事，又何必闹得鸡犬不宁？

“这回可以吃到杨梅了。季节刚好。一起去吧？”晶见我低头落落寡欢，逗我开怀。

我抬起头，窗外一片漆黑，远处却似有一片晴空，一树繁盛茂密的杨梅随风摇曳，童年玩伴们三三两两， 有的跳绳，有的绣花，有的读书，然而人堆里找不到自己。

我再低下头，转动着酒杯，看着紫红色液体缓缓摆动，良久，再抬起头，笑笑说，

“明年吧。等风平浪静时，我们去摘杨梅。”

“You are very cute.” He said.

Marianna got turned off all of a sudden, with a cold“thank you”, left him standing chilled. The poor fellow would probably puzzle what he had done wrong for the rest of his life.

At every dinner in the next few days, Marianna was obsessed with this incident.

“What did he mean by cute? It is not beautiful, not sexy. It conveys nothing. Anything can be described as cute. I would rather be anything but cute. I am not cute! I AM NOT CUTE!” She was almost in tears, upsetting, so were we, laughing.

As amusing as it was, I had to admit that she got a point. Ranking all the compliments I received in the past years, cute was surely not the best one can get.

“Glamour” is in a Vera Wang ice blue satin evening gown and Jackie O hairdo smoothing 500 guests at my brother’s wedding.

“dazzling” is in a custom made lilac brocade silk Qipao hosting a Guzhen concert at Lincoln Center.

“Stunning” is in a Versace burgundy jeweled cocktail dress chatting at the Carlyle Group gala in the Air and Space Museum in DC.

“Drop dead gorgeous” is in a black second skin mini dress and a pair of stiletto dancing in a club in Flatrion.

“Beautiful” is in a Diane von Furstenburg white wrap dress testing wine in Napa Valley.

“Pretty” is in a Bluemarine dusty rose chiffon long skirt with ballet flats lunching at the Boathouse in Central Park.

“Sexy” is in a pair of Roberto Cavalli dark blue demin jeans with a halter top dinning in a jazz restaurant on St Mark Place.

“Attractive” is in a retro multi color geometric print dress conversing in the lounge at the Algunqin Hotel.

“Exotic” is in white bikinis with tanned skin coming out of the ocean after a swim in Virgin Islands.

Though all are very flattering, they usually refer to the first impression of the appearance, which can change over time and setting. On the other hand, “cute” and “adorable” are remarks on the personality with a sense of affection and the feeling of not able to resist. One would describe the penguin surfing on the wave in the Galapagos as cute that one wants to touch it. One would say an infant with rosy cheeks is adorable that one can’t help caressing him. 

“I would rather be cute than be beautiful.”

I thought to myself after comparing all definitions but knowing that wouldn’t sooth her wound, I said instead,

“Of course not. You are not cute, you are beautiful and sexy, sweetie.”